So we have been here at the compound (yes, that is what they call it) for two weeks. Things are pretty good and I think we are adjusting pretty well. Some things though, will be a challenge this summer. I think that for me the fact that we have no privacy will be a constant struggle. We live with Aiden in a little room that is probably 10 by 12 feet and an attached bathroom. I am thankful that we have our own bathroom and don't have to use the dorm-style ones. We have big screened-in windows on either side of the room that need to be open all the time since there is no air conditioner. With the windows open and curtains drawn back, we have airflow and everyone can hear and see us. With the windows closed we gain a little more privacy (people can still hear us talk, but it isn't quite as easy) but it sure gets stuffy!

This has become a difficult especially with a baby. The babies here are very well loved and indulged. When someone has a baby they either hire help or their family moves in to help take care of things. The result is that the baby never needs to cry and there is always someone to rock the baby to sleep. That's so cool! The babies don't seem to suffer from this attention and since there is always someone willing to give it there is never the issue of the baby needing to "learn to put himself to sleep."

The difficulty is that I am coming into this situation from a different culture and will be returning to that same culture in less than 3 months. I haven't and won't have hired help or extended family living with me to help me do chores and take care of the baby. I can't spend an hour rocking Aiden to sleep because I will have things to do and I would much rather spend my spare time playing with Aiden than rocking him to sleep. So I do the only thing I have found to work. When he is sleepy, I nurse him, love him, kiss him, and lay him in his crib to go to sleep. Then Aiden screams his head off for about 40 minutes. I hate it, but if I go rub his back he screams harder and if I pick him up he won't let me lay him back down. The next day he doesn't scream but he cries for about 15 minutes or so. The crying periods shorten and finally yesterday and today he goes to sleep with no crying.

The whole time this was happening, however, the Thai women who live here were questioning what I was doing. That hurt and made me feel intensely lonely. Faye, the other missionary wife here tried to explain what I was doing with Aiden to them. She said they were asking why I was torturing Aiden. Once, when I was standing outside our door waiting to make sure Aiden got to sleep okay a lady came out and asked me why I didn't go comfort him. Oh if only I could and if only that worked! (I did have other plans for how I was going to raise my son before he was born. I was NOT going to ever let him cry it out. Oh well, *grin* things change.)

So now Aiden goes to sleep wonderfully. Except this morning he woke up at 3:30 am and wanted to play. Sorry, no can do. So he screamed again. And I lay in bed hating the fact that I have to do this and hating even more the fact that I can feel the disapproval of the people who can hear Aiden, wanting so much to have my own space where I can do what I feel needs to be done and not have to worry about the people around me judging me.

It is not an unbearable situation but it isn't the easiest thing either. I think I feel the need to share this for several reasons:

1. I don't want our blog to give an unrealistically good impression of what is going on. Things ARE good and God has blessed us unbelievably, but things are a little difficult at the same time.

2. I don't want to give the impression that I am adjusting perfectly to all the changes that go with living here. I am a very real person and there will be struggles all summer.

3. I feel disappointed that I am not able to fulfill my pre-baby expectations and I have to let Aiden cry it out. Hearing what the Thai women said just echoed that disappointment even though I know those expectations are not realistic for me. Somehow posting this seems to make things better.